Buona state Ms. Worthington,
 
I must confess my ignorance of your columns in Gay Life.  I read your newspaper once in a blue moon, as I typically prefer The Blade or Metroweekly for my dose of the LGBT world, and find myself addicted to the Times online.  Admittedly, your reputation precedes you, and I’ve gotten wind of the buzz surrounding your caustic incantations to people on graceful living.  However, I was tickled pink to receive word from my editor about my appearance in your column today.  (As Madonna long ago taught me, no press is bad press.)  Having searched out your articles and read your cadence and flourish, I must confess, it is rather odd for a “lad” and a “relic” to share such verbal acerbity.  Though the likeness, I admit of my own accord, is quite true, I must confess that in this instance, my Festiveness, to borrow your word knowingly, has been long imbued into me by decades of debutante upbringing in the Deep South.  Surely, my dear, you didn’t think yourself the only pretentious lady in the world with Olympic jaw muscles, much less the only one who knows how to wield her wit as much as her pen.  That being said, I’m delighted to find out that I’m not the only person in this gothic metropolis that has enough pretension to qualify for my own zip code in the uppity phone book.  I completely respect the seeming mission of your columns, darling; I’m the first person to agree that the masses need a diva to adorn with scorn and affection, secretly loving their ability to tell people how to better themselves by first insulting them and then inviting them to agree.  That, my aging diva, is true elegance, your zealously applied fragrance of choice.  And I must confess that I applaud you whole-heartedly.
 
I’ve never been one to play second fiddle very well, so I will make the most concerted effort to try and create a cavity between our styles, but at the end of the day, I fear certain similarities are unavoidable, especially considering our like-heritages.  Luckily for us, the world is so global, and expansively growing, that contrary to just ten years ago, I’m now confident that it can support two talking heads of our circumference.
 
You’re certainly the inspiring doll of Gay Life, and I am humbled to be accused of imitation.  Rest assured, pumpkin, my festive overtones and stature have long been in place; the coincidence is simply a touching feeling that there are others out there like me.
 
With warm affection,

Matthew

Tags: Baltimore, Gay, Life, Prudence